Today I said I am fine and it was not true. I was not completely bad, but I was not fine either. I was in that middle point that no one explains because it does not fit into a quick answer. Still, I chose what is easy. I smiled without wanting to, agreed with things I did not agree with and avoided an uncomfortable conversation. These are small actions, almost invisible, but repeated they form a pattern. There is no clear moment when it starts, you just learn that being honest has a cost and fitting in reduces it. You begin by adjusting details and end up building a version of yourself that works better on the outside.

That version is not completely false, but it is not complete either. You say just enough, you stay silent when needed and you show what fits. It works, people respond better and that reinforces it. But something is left out. A slight sense of not being fully yourself appears in specific moments, when a conversation ends or when you repeat something and no longer know if it is really yours. It does not force change, but it does not disappear either. You ignore it because it has no immediate benefit and you continue with what works. From the outside everything fits, from the inside not so much. Today I lied, and tomorrow I probably will again. Not by a clear choice, but because it is what we have learned to do.